Pining for Perfection

At the beginning of each week, I create a to-do list. Chores like clean the laundry, change the sheets, vacuum, and pay the electric bill tend to be frequent tasks. At the close of the week, I expect every item to be inked with a single line, signifying completion.

I hate vacuuming. It’s frequently the last task on my to-do list to be completed. There are Sunday evenings I spend begrudgingly dragging the vacuum throughout my apartment, because despite my intense hatred for the activity, it’s on the list. I have no choice. My expectation is that it will be done.

Recently, I decided to do a long hike / trail run. I decided to complete ten miles. Six miles into my trek, my legs were pretty tired. I contemplated the idea of finishing my hike at that point. Just as soon as the thought of “quitting” before the ten mile mark entered my brain, a voice in my head abruptly interrupted with authority. “Lauren Hamilton, did you say you were finishing six miles today…? Or was it ten?! It was ten. And you will do it! No excuses.” I emerged from the trail head at just over ten miles.

Everyone has expectations for which they hold themselves accountable. They also have expectations of others. Sometimes they’re clear. The more likely and less fortunate circumstance is that they are unclear or never communicated.

I have high expectations of myself. Although, this classification of “high” is subjective. People hold themselves and the people in their lives to varying levels of expectation. For instance, I expect a certain level of capability, productivity, and ethics from those with whom I work.

As an Executive Producer in the Live / Digital Events industry, work can be stressful. There’s a lot that happens behind the scenes of which the average person is unaware. There’s an entire team working on the details to ensure the event and the client are successful. My expectation is that every project we produce is approached with excellence.

Excellence is a wonderful goal I believe. Many times people (“people” includes me) strive for perfection. Yet, perfection is impossible, unachievable, and final. To me, excellence is maximum effort, identifying possibilities, seeking improvement, and allowing change.

When it comes to my professional life, excellence is my goal. Yet, in my personal life, I always fall back to perfection. How curious a thing that I would assume to know how to define and measure perfection. Yet, I hold myself to a standard that, based on my individual perspective, resembles idealism. What a wonderfully disastrous way to encourage personal failure consistently.

This is a constant struggle. I tend to create expectations for myself based on outside, inconsequential sources. I expect myself to act, look, speak, and perform in certain ways. When I don’t meet the standard that I’ve set for myself, I feel defeated. I become angry with myself for not being good enough.

To not be good enough, what a disheartening and common concept. A life of unworthiness, never meeting expectations, and always yearning to be something that’s truly inconceivable or completely unknown.

The only authority of consequence, God, has never expected perfection from me. He never expects perfection because he is perfection. No one is like him. No one will ever be like him. Yet, here I am, working tirelessly to be something I am not and never will become. Not only that, but why would I need God if I could achieve perfection on my own?

God gives us a standard to follow. He offers a clearly defined expectation for our lives. How often do we overlook it and instead create our own guidelines or allow someone else to create them for us?

When I’m trying to live up to expectations that I’m incapable of, I will always fail. So would anyone else. Which is why we need God. I would rather strive for excellence by God’s standards than be held to perfection and never succeed. Ultimately, God wants a relationship with us, not to scold us for our shortcomings.

So today, I didn’t complete my to-do list. I didn’t work out. And I’m still struggling. But that’s okay. God expects me to not be okay. Otherwise, I wouldn’t keep coming back to him.