Peace Be With You
Suffice to say, I do not sleep well. Without the help of a sleep aid, it will take 30-40 minutes for me to fall asleep, followed by 7-8 moments of wake that vary in length. I’m not quite sure why this is the case. However, I do know that it’s incredibly difficult for me to clear my mind each night. Even when I try to think of nothing, I repeat to myself, “don’t think of anything”. My brain just does not experience much peace.
Peace. What a fascinating concept. Merriam-Webster defines peace as,
1: a state of tranquility or quiet: such as
a: freedom from civil disturbance
b: a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom
2: freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions
3: harmony in personal relations
Harmony. Tranquility. Quiet. Naturally, these words impart a feeling of calm. Just as soon as they offer that brief sensation of relief, it’s gone. And I’m left wondering, “How do I find peace?”.
I am a control freak. I endeavor to grasp tightly every situation and every circumstance in my life. My innate inclination is to plan everything. Planning allows me to anticipate what might go wrong. It gives me the opportunity to think through solutions to problems before they ever occur, therefore controlling the outcome. When my plan or expectation is altered, I must reset. To reset is not so easy. I plan things precisely as I desire. If I wanted them to change, I would change them!
As I’m sure you can deduce, this causes much frustration. The only real thing I can ever control is myself. Most of what happens in life is completely out of my control. And most of the time I hate it. I like to convince myself that if God would just let me handle it, it would be perfect. I’m certain He disagrees.
Have you ever watched the movie “Tommy Boy”? It’s a classic, somewhat crude, comedy, starring Chris Farley and David Spade. There is a scene in the film when the main character, Tommy Callahan, is trying to sell brake pads to a potential buyer. The buyer is weary of the purchase because the Callahan Auto break pads do not have a guarantee on the box.
Tommy: “Here's how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.”
Potential Buyer: “Yeah, makes a man feel good.”
Tommy: “Of course it does. You think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.”
Potential Buyer: “What's your point?”
Tommy: “The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes," says the little fairy, but we're not buying it. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.”
Potential Buyer: “But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?”
Tommy: “Because they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of s***. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, you might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.”
Guarantees make us feel all warm and toasty inside. They give us peace of mind. They give us comfort in knowing the situation is under control.
Where’s my guarantee?! Where’s my warm, fuzzy, peace of mind?! Without a guarantee, how do I know that every situation isn’t just going to end in a disaster?! How do I find harmony and freedom from disquieting thoughts or emotions when there’s so much out of my control?
If I got a guarantee for every plan I put in place, a lot of them would have merely been guaranteed pieces of s***. As much as I like to think I know what’s best for me, I’m wrong. The only guarantee we have is that God wants a quality life for us, which means a life completely in His control.
This is a truth I completely believe. I’ll be honest, I haven’t nearly solved letting go of my stronghold on controlling my life. Sometimes it’s because I question what God has in store for me. Does letting go mean I’ll never get it back? I so badly want to know the big picture. What’s that quality life look like on a grand scale?
I wish I could tell you I figured it all out. I have peace of mind and am able to lay down my head at night with a great sense of harmony and tranquility. But that would be a lie. So I’ll just say I’m working on it. And seeing as I can only control what I can do, I’ll just keep doing that - working on it. I have a feeling it will be a lifelong struggle. But it’s worth the quality life God has for me opposed to the guaranteed life of s*** I would likely plan for myself.