Kitty Confidence

I have this fantastic pair of black boots with a chunky 3.5” block heel. In cooler months, these shoes are a staple in my wardrobe. I love them for two reasons, because they look kickass and classy at the same time, and because they add 3.5” to my height. And I LOVE being taller.

In a 2018 study, the CDC reported that the average height for an American female, age 20 years or over, is 5’4”. Standing at a firm 5’8”, I have always enjoyed being somewhat taller for a female. In fact, I derive a fair amount of confidence from my height. For instance, if I enter a room and am one of the tallest people present, my confidence level will increase twofold. Therefore, the majority of the time, you’ll find me wearing heels.

Confidence is somewhat beguiling. Everyone desires to be confident. When we see someone who has it, we tend to either question its validity or be drawn by its allure. More often than not, the confidence we see displayed is but an imitation, an artificial facade of self-assurance.

Based on experience, I’ve come to realize that I exude a sense of confidence. I believe this comes from the fact that I am generally pretty decisive, persistent, willful, and somewhat controlling. I think that in our culture, these traits are sometimes aligned with power or dominance. However, I would not say that these traits are synonymous with confidence. In fact, some of the traits I just described about myself can scream a lack of self-confidence.

When I got divorced, it left me questioning my self-worth. I was left asking questions like, “Am I good enough? Will someone else want me? Am I attractive enough? What’s wrong with me? Am I worthy of love? Will I be rejected? Can I ever love again?” There are a lot of destructive thoughts that come along with a lack of self-confidence. And no pair of high heeled boots can fix that.

My close friend and mentor, Lori, recently said to me, “Lauren, you have always come off as confident. But when someone really gets to know you well, they realize that your confidence comes from your sense of security. You have always needed to feel secure. When you do feel secure, you have the power to do anything.”

I’ve always been partial to cats. No, I don’t own one. I’m not much of an animal lover. (I’m sorry! I’m leaving all of those adorable animals for you to love. It’s called being selfless….) Cats are fascinating to me. Of course they’re freaking adorable and fluffy and meowy, but they also come off as incredibly confident creatures. Who can relate to having a cat that doesn’t entirely care if you’re around? They are totally self-reliant and have no interest in you or your pitiful attempts to show them love. But say you leave for several days. Kitty’s allllll alone. After a few days, kitty doesn’t like being alone. So, he pees on the couch or craps on the floor right next to the litter box. Maybe she scratches a few extra marks on back of your side chair, just to let you know she was thinking of you… the absence of you. Then you come home, clean up the mess, and kitty seems all fine again as if nothing happened.

It’s easy to feel confident and self-assured when we feel secure. When the security disappears, we start to question ourselves. Unfortunately, nothing in life is secure. Nothing is a guarantee and everything can, and will, change. And there’s nothing you or I can do about it.

So, that sucks.

I don’t want my confidence to come from something unstable, something changing. I don’t want it to come from the expectations of this world, because I will fall short every time. No matter how hard I try, if I find security in something fleeting, so too will my security be, and I cannot live that way.

My badass black block heel boots do make me feel tall. They make me feel a little more confident. But the faith and hope I put in God offers security that is unlike anything I will find anywhere else, and because of that, I can actually be confident in who I am. I will always be loved, always be worth it, always be enough. I do need to remind myself often of these truths. But these truths are enough for me, and in that, I am confident.