Homage to Anger
Prayer is a powerful thing. Before I go to bed most nights, I spend time reading the scripture and writing in my prayer journal. It’s easy to begin with the things I want or need from God. Instead, I try to start my prayers with gratitude, thanking God for the myriad of blessings he has bestowed upon me. However, sometimes approaching God with thanksgiving isn’t so easy. In fact, sometimes my initial approach is anger.
If you’re familiar with the Enneagram at all, you know it’s a personality test that many utilize to help understand better and discover certain characteristics about themselves and others. It’s quite complex. It’s also easy to get caught up in.
Enneagram defines nine personality types. I am categorized as an eight, “The Challenger”. I know… it kind of sounds ominous. Some basic characteristics that commonly describe “The Challenger” are self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational. I would have to agree with these myself. Of course there are pages and pages of additional detailed information on each type. Should you have an interest in learning more, just type “Enneagram” on google and you’ll have hours upon hours worth of reading material.
These nine personality types are broken into three categories. (Stick with me… I know I’m taking us a little deeper). These three categories are characterized by a defining dominant emotion that drives each number’s general responses. Guess what, as an eight, my driving emotion is anger or rage. Enneagram describes that eights act out their anger and instinctual energies outwardly. In other words, when Eights feel anger building, they tend to respond to it in some physical way, like raising their voice or moving more forcefully. It's generally pretty obvious when Eights are angry because they give themselves permission to express their anger physically.
I feel a little attacked by this and it slightly pisses me off…
About two and a half years ago, my mom died of pancreatic cancer. This major life incident left me feeling a plethora of emotions. At the top of that list was anger.
I was angry that God didn’t save my mom. I was angry that He allowed her to suffer in such a terrible way. I was angry that I couldn’t do anything to help her. I was angry at the pain it caused the people I love so dearly. I was angry that I put my hope and faith in Him, and that it felt like He failed me.
Anger has always been an emotion I can relate to easily. For a long time, I felt like being angry meant I was still fighting for something. Many times, I chose anger to avoid feeling sad, disappointed, or ashamed, because those emotions felt like giving up.
It’s interesting how anger can manifest itself and start seeping out in ways you didn’t expect or that weren’t intentional. Especially when you feel like you’re entitled to that anger. And honestly, that’s how I felt for a long time. Too long in fact.
God answers prayers in interesting, unpleasant, and unexpected ways sometimes. I had been praying that God would help me with my anger and my anxiety. And he answered that prayer by allowing me the opportunity to get angry and anxious about something that did not deserve that response. And surprise! I got angry.
As a result, I realized how I was allowing my anger and anxiety to control me, rather than controlling them. I also came to realize that I could no longer be angry at God. So I forgave Him for being exactly what He always said He was, even though I expected Him to be different. And I gave up being angry about something I couldn’t change and never controlled.
Emotions are an interesting thing. Emotions are valid and I truly believe that people should take the time to sit in them and allow themselves to feel them. It’s how you respond to those emotions that can get tricky.
I don’t want to be an angry person, even if my driving emotion is anger. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely expect things to make me angry. I get pissed off at least once a day about something. But I don’t want it to control me anymore and I’m not going to avoid other negative emotions because they’re harder to feel.
Philippians 4:6-7 says, “6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
I thank God for the tough emotions like anger, anxiety, sadness and fear, because it makes feeling joy, love, and excitement so much sweeter. I wouldn’t say it’s easy, but I do think it’s worth it.